Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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