i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
