Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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