you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
