Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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