It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
