you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
