new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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