my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
