If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
