I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
