I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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