I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
