3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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