i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
