If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Randomize
