this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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