I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
