put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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