I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
