I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
