At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
