I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
