My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
