I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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