I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
