Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize