That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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