You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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