Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
