I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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