it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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