Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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