happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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