My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
