Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
