Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize