Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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