Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize