mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
