I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
