if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
