Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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