I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
