How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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