Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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