The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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