hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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