I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
