An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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