That's intense
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
