I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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