If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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