Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
