Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize