I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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