My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize