It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
