im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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