I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
