You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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