how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
