i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
