i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
