So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
