My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
