I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
