The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
