I wish I could teleport
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
