I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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