Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
