Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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