She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
